Here's the story of how I waited for 29 years to see a sequel ... that turned out to be one of the worst films I've ever seen.
As a very young movie freak, I was madly in love with a tongue-in-cheek, gore-laden sword and sandals action-fest called The Sword and the Sorcerer. My friends and I probably watched it a half-dozen times over the course of a few years, and one of the most delicious things about the flick arrived just before the end credits:
"Talon will return in Tales of the Ancient Empire." (Talon was the cocky, swaggering mega-hero, as played by Lee Horsley.)
The years dragged by, and whenever I revisited (or discussed) The Sword and the Sorcerer, that promised sequel always bugged me like a loose tooth. Of course I gave up on seeing "Tales of the Ancient Empire" many years ago -- and now I wish it had never arrived. Yes, after almost three full decades of waiting, director Albert Pyun has returned with a semi-sequel that simply has to be seen to be believed, and I do not mean that as a compliment.
The first film was a goofy, low-budget action romp, to be sure, but it was a real movie; a three-act, pulpy story that you could follow and appreciate and maybe pick a few cool characters from. Hardly high art, but S&S remains a rather highly-regarded cult flick, all things considered. This "sorta" follow-up is ... it's a failing grade in filmmaking 101, frankly, Pick any component of filmmaking you like: screenwriting, acting, music, editing, costumes ... and you'll find better examples of cinematic professionalism in the deleted scenes of Uwe Boll's worst movie. And that's not hyperbole.
You'd only know it by making it to the 60-minute point of the film, but Tales of an Ancient Empire is about a princess who must track down her estranged father so that together they can rid a kingdom of a vampire scourge. That sounds pretty simple and straightforward, right? Nope. In order to piece that meager narrative together I had to struggle through:
1. A 12-minute opening credits sequence that offers more narrated nonsense than a lecture in clown college.
2. Dime-store vampiresses who hiss and stare and bug their eyes out while divulging huge chunks of cleavage. (Did the casting call for this flick request complete amateurs?)
3. A narrative structure that, truth be told, isn't even near to being finished. What should be a simple little story is perpetually undone by some of the shoddiest editing tricks I've ever seen. To cover for the scenes that are missing, Pyun simply offers up some hand-drawn artwork or, even more hilariously, a lady's head staring right at the audience and explaining what's happening in scenes that the director never got around to shooting.
4. Cruelly overlong monologues, speeches and pissy diatribes from unprepared actors who would have been better served delivering mono-syllabic grunts and perhaps some florid hand gestures.
5, Some of the worst work you'll ever see from the likes of Michael Pare, Kevin Sorbo, Ralf Moeller, and Olivier Gruner -- and that's really saying something.
6. Scene after scene of actors standing in front of clunky green-screen backgrounds, spitting out nonsensical dialogue in one static take at a time.
Straight and to the point, Tales of an Ancient Empire is the sort of movie that makes you reconsider Uwe Boll's status as the reigning king of movie crap. Mr. Pyun has spent his years between The Sword and the Sorcerer and Tales of an Ancient Empire churning out some of the broadest, clunkiest, and most cable-ready junk piles -- but his most recent effort is really something else. A film that capably "MSTies" its own self, but grows wearisome and grating once the chuckles subside, Tales of an Ancient Empire is one of the most amateurish movies I've ever seen on the big screen.
As a guy who's seen more than his share of the Pyun ouevre, I can't say I'm surprised that Tales of an Ancient Empire is a bad film; I am, however, kind of shocked at how overwhelmingly cheap, stupid and uninteresting the thing is. I've often said that bad film should be covered in film school, as their lessons are often a lot more evident than the assets located in "quality" movies, and if that's the case, Tales of an Ancient Empire should get a semester all its own. This is a staggeringly inept film.
The film screened at Alamo Drafthouse in Austin. It was released on Region 2 DVD in Sweden last year, but that edition appears to be currently out of print.
More from Tales of an Ancient Empire
- News: Red Band Trailer for Albert Pyun's 'Tales of an Ancient Empire'
- News: Final Art For Albert Pyun's TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE
- News: Two More Clips From Albert Pyun's TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE
- News: A Second Clip From Albert Pyun's TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE
- News: First Clip Of Kevin Sorbo In Albert Pyun´s TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE
- News: Quick Thoughts On Albert Pyun's TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE
Goddamnit!
Hi Scott - whoa...thanks for the review. Really. The point of the screening was to get a sense of where the film was at and clearly we have a lot of work yet to do. It's been a real struggle to even get the film to this point so, yeah, there's a lot of funky stuff in it because of the number (clearly unsuccessful) cheats I've had to resort to.
I will focus on the areas you listed specifically although the overall tone and story can't be changed. I can increase pace and try to cut back the narrator and a few of the graphic art shots.
I can't improve performances at this point but by cutting out some of the clutter, it might put the performances in a better light.
Anyway, thanks for attending. And thanks for your insight so I can try to improve on the experience for future audiences!
Albert Pyun
Pyun will never be "finished" with (fill in name of whatever Pyun movie that he's mercilessly hyping here). It's all a house of cards, a con, shell game, what have you. He reminds me of the TV preacher Jim Bakker that use to raise money for one thing and spend it on another. Just look back at the last couple of years of this guy. None of the movies he's blabbed about are "finished." He's always tinkering with them and he always will be. Why? Probably that he's hiding film budget money from investors of something like that. How much you wanna bet that Pyun is the person that sold TOAE to Thailand that he's blaming some "evil investor" for doing. He's such a load of dishonest shit. And he's obvious about it, too.
No, Scott, you got your review right.
So the Swedish version sold on DVD is a workprint? Now I'm really confused... Or is the upcoming film going to be a "1.11" or "Extended Cut" or something?
and BTW Scott, over at Pyun's facebook page (Albert Pyun Movies) they're saying this about you:
"Yes, we read the twitch review. That guy began snarking out loud before the movie started."
So, a typical Pyun move, deflect and bury head in sand to avoid reality.
Didn't you know, Scott. The movie sucks because of you, not anything Pyun did.
There's some guys at AICN that are still screaming about Albert Pyun ripped off the entire country of Guam for $800,000 with the whole Max Havoc fiasco. It's a shame that the latter part of his career has been plagued with controversy and shoddy filmmaking because, I'll be honest, I dig the first "Cyborg" flick.
Scott,
i honestly appreciate your review and love its honesty. I wish it wasn't about my movie but its still cool you are so blunt when many reviews hedge.
I am working around the clock to adjust and address the points I can can address and will screen an all new version of Tale on Saturday at midnight in Louisville. I'm calling this "the Weinberg Version" and hope it corrects at least the major points you listed.
I don't think i can correct the "amateur" aspect because this was done on a no budget level but I think we might turn a corner. however slight, into somewhat pro level.
Thanks again, Scott, from my heart for giving me this gift when I still have a chance to do something about it. I truly appreciate it! Especially as I begin the sequel in 6 weeks! No more green screen!
HK Fanatic - This is still my most rewarding period of filmmaking!
Albert Pyun
P.s. - Johnny....dude you are pathetic and never offer any real facts. Prove that I was the one who sold and delivered to Thailand, and I will
cop to everyhing you want me to.
OK, official warning: let's keep playing nice. Facts and opinions only. One more threat or impossible to prove rumor and it's banning time.
I don't mind people having an axe to grind, just don't do it here.
@ICN 1963 - I agree with you. I'm just saying no more green screens pertaining to me. I think on the lower or non-budget end you have to have some background or abilities in vefx to pull that off. I'm not sure what the capabilities or knowledge was of the filmmakers behind the films you listed but I'm sure they have far more knowledge and and skill than I to pull it off.
Its just clear my way of shooting (18 to 20 pages a day) does not mesh with vefx green screen shots.
I agree my budget isn't the audience's problem but my own. But it does impact the film I'm making.
In any case, appreciate the scolding and hope my experience can pull Tales together before Saturday's public screening!
Albert Pyun
I think it pretty damn awesome that Pyun is public in this forum about his filmmaking. I mean how often does the average reader get this direct to a filmmaker, indie or not?
Scott - We screened the entirely re-edited Tales of an Ancient Empire last night at midnight (ugh) and the very positive reaction proves you so right on all counts. We took your laundry list of critique and systematically tore the film apart and started from scratch. The film opens with the ressurection of the vampire and then we go straight away to Sorbo in the tavern. This worked really great. We got a lot of big goofy reactions from the audience (they good kind) and I think everyone had fun. Everyone said the movie was extremely fast paced and the only complaint we heard was that the story was so streamlined that it felt light. But the sheer fast momentum worked wonders allowing performances to improve and not linger.
Everyone commented on the "look" of the film. Again helped by starting with vampire ressurection and the Sorbo scenes. The fast pace and stramlined storytelling enhanced all aspects of the film.
I can't thank you enough, Scott, for taking both the time and effort to give me such a clear roadmap. I hope if you ever chance seeing this "final" cut that you will find it rewarding that your thoughts were taken to heart.
You know sometimes a filmmaker needs a hard slap to get his objectivity back. Thanks for giving me mine!
Best,
Albert Pyun
You have succeed Mr. Pyun in making me want to see this.
Thanks Will, I hope it will be a fun experience. The audience in Louisville at midnight Saturday seem to enjoy it.
This sort of rapid redo could only be possible today and because I control the film via final cut. If a studio controlled it, it would never allow a film to be completely redone based on the comments on a few. I however, have the luxury of listening!
It wasn't easy and required no sleep from the moment Monday's screening in Austin finished. I recut the film as I traveled to Louisville. In hotel rooms in Texarkana, Memphis the the fil was ripped (literally) back to its original shots and then slowly put back together following Scott's comments and list of offending filmmaking.
I learned a big lesson and I'm really grateful technology allows for this type of adjusting on the fly. The audience reaction was gratifying.
I hope more filmmakers take advantage of this type of input to refine their vision. And not fight against or ignore very helpful guidance.
Albert Pyun
Ard,
If you'd like to see the first 18 minutes of the redone Tales, please write to:
curnanpictures@gmail.com
Identify yourself as Ard from Twitch and you'll get the private link. I think within a minute or two you will be able to decide whether we were able to "save" the film. I think it works great thanks to Scott's notes and others, just as brutally honest. Wow...filmmaking is sure becoming a communal process!
Albert Pyun
Just watched S&S tonight to relive the nostalgia and found my way here. As a child that 3 bladed sword was so badass, I wish it saw more action, lol. After reading your comments I find you to be a class act and I look forward to being able to see this film.