Right. Anakin turns into Darth Vader. The film in a nutshell. Lucas has been sitting on this basic story idea for well on thirty years now, so how far wrong could he go? How many mistakes are there to make? Judging from the bursts of unintended laughter and the handful of people who just got up and walked out part way through the film - a fairly shocking thing at an invite-only screening - there are lots.

First is the script. Lucas can't write. At all. This was very obvious in the previous two films and equally obvious here. The pacing is bad and the dialogue simply atrocious. While the first film shoveled the lion's share of bad lines onto Jake Lloyd and good ol' Jar-Jar - limited to a couple of non-speaking appearances in this one - and the second hit Hayden Christiansen, this one is just cruel beyond words to Natalie Portman. And I'll bet she's wishing it was literally beyond words as she here gives BY FAR the worst performance of her career. But what's a girl to do? She's got to say what's on the page. Every scene Portman is in is a bad one. Every single scene. The chemistry between Padme and Anakin, which is rather important in the overall scheme of things? Non-existent. Don't get mad at the poor girl, pity her.

Second are the massive leaps in logic and holes in plot and motivation large enough to drive a truck through. There are far too many of these to count, but here are the biggies. Anakin and Padme are in a clandestine marriage which, as the film makes a very big deal of in their first scene together, if anyone learns of will cost Padme her place in the Senate and Anakin his position with the Jedi. Do they try to hide this relationship? Only if kissing in full view of twenty or thirty other politicians and living in the same house counts as hiding. Otherwise, no. Also, Padme is very visibly pregnant. I'd say about seven months along. And yet nobody seems to know that she's carrying twins. Que? You're living in a civilization with massively advance medical technology and you don't know you've got two kids in there rather than one? It's not that hard to tell, really. Here in our primitive times we do ultrasounds within the first couple months of pregnancy that would make the twinnage perfectly obvious. Do Senators not have medical coverage? Get to a doctor, woman!

A bit picky, those ones? How about this? Anakin's primary reason for choosing the dark side is his concern for Padme's health after having visions that she will die in childbirth. He is told that he can save her if he chooses the dark side and runs off to slaughter a room full of children in training to be Jedi. Again, we are in a massively advanced civilization. The character in question is already sporting an entire synthetic arm and the entire audience is aware that he will soon be alive only because there is medical technology capable of rebuilding him from the ground up. You want me to believe that turning on your friends and slaughtering a roomful of children on behalf of a man you know to be evil and plotting the overthrow of the Republic you have sworn and trained to protect is a better option than just taking your supposedly clandestine wife to get a C-section? Come on ... suspension of disbelief will only get you so far. If you have already established that your world has access to incredibly advanced medicine you simply cannot ignore that entire established structure in something as key as this. Not only does Anakin's 'motivation' not ring true it rings completely and laughably ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as the teary dialogue he shares with his poorly scripted wife.

Okay, enough of that. How about the action? Well, despite a similarly horrible script The Phantom Menace managed to salvage a good deal of entertainment value thanks to having the most compelling Jedi / villain combo in the Star Wars universe's history in Liam Neeson and Ray Park. The rest of the film may have been brutal but Darth Maul flat out ruled. No such luck here. After giving the Jedi the big finish in Episode Two with sabers flashing and bodies falling, in Episode Three the Jedi fall without a whimper. And were you looking forward to the big wookie battle? Don't. It's over in the blink of an eye and features not much at all to look at. Lucas clearly has no Ray Park here and the film feels the absence. None of these people can actually fight which makes for some rather dull fight scenes. Any number of Asian films have done the supernaturally powered fight thing so much better than Lucas that his thunder has been stolen. The bar has been raised and he just doesn't reach the new level. Even Dark City with its much smaller budget manages to do a far more convincing job of mind-control as a weapon than Lucas can pull off here.

The film too often falls into the Sky Captain Syndrome: animated characters fighting other animated characters simply is not interesting. But these are real people, you're saying. Not really. General Grievous is totally synthetic and totally lacking in any of the requisite villain charisma. Not menacing, not frightening, not impressive. Yoda is also obviously false, and while digital Yoda may be more mobile than puppet Yoda, puppet Yoda was far more expressive and believable in his interaction with human actors than digital Yoda will ever be. The others? Any time they do something remotely interesting they have been completely removed from the film and replaced by CG. Ridiculous back flips o'plenty and every single one of them is obviously false. Gimme a guy in a wire rig over a digital painting any day.

Which brings up the next obvious problem: the CGI. Lucas is wildly over dependent upon it and it hurts the film. Part of what allowed people to buy into the original trilogy was the fusion of special effects with model and puppet shots. Things were obviously being created but they were tangible and tactile which allowed you to accept them more easily. No such luck here. If it's not a person it's digital and even a lot of the people exist only in the computer. WETA showed us this can be done convincingly with Gollum but there is nothing, absolutely nothing, here that even approaches that level of believability and photo-realism. With the digital characters and environments both it almost feels as though ILM forgot to put the final layer of texturing on everything. Everything looks plastic with densities and light textures all the same, and it's just not believable. If you're going to put actual human actors into a digital environment then that digital environment absolutely must hit a believable level of photo-realism and these clearly do not. It looks like a good piece of Photoshop work or a solid trailer for a high end PS2 game.

So. Yeah. If you enjoyed the first couple Episodes you will likely enjoy this. The mistakes here are - believe it or not - not quite as plentiful or as serious. But if those first couple films left you feeling that your childhood had just been trampled upon: stay away. Better, but not good.


Review Number Two

1 Screening + No Non-Disclosure Agreement = Spoilers galore. Hang on to your tits. First, I'll say this: I'm going to spill the beans on a bunch of bare facts then touch on the general stuff. So fer Pete's sake, don't read this if the Star Wars theme gives you a woody.

Here's the situation: 4 guys went to see ROTS. And, although the lot of you, deep down, know this will already be the case for the grand lot of Star Wars fans, I'm going to tell you how things looked between us at the film's end because it makes an interesting anecdote.


  Guy #1: Loves Star Wars and therefore, loved 'Revenge of the Sith'.

  Guy #2: Is the biggest Star Wars fan I've ever known in my life: Thought it was great, but its bad parts reduced it to a 7 out of 10 for him.

  Guy #3: (Me) Has always liked Star Wars and has had problems with the other prequels. Found as many good things as bad. Gave it 5 out of 10.

  Guy #4: (Todd) Todd is very intelligent and is all about media and everything film. As you may have read, he watched the movie for what it is, a MOVIE, and hated it.

Take all that for what you will.

I've decided to add this next Good/Bad part of the review as to make my review seem abit more middle-of-the-road. Which was exactly my take.

Good Stuff:

  Lightsabers. LOTS.

  Star Battles. Very pretty too look at. Exaggerated but very nice.

  Choreography is good, but will also depend on your acceptance of CGI.

  Anakin's relationship with the Chancellor.

  Watching Darth Vader get outfitted for the first time and taking his first breath.

  Watching the entire Saga you've known your whole life finally come full circle.

In short, pretty much all the basics you're going to see the movie for in the first place.

Bad Stuff:

  The dialogue. Sincerely horrid. Makes Episode 2 look amazing. WILL be nominated for a Razzie, I guarantee it. If you can see past it, congratulations on being blind.

  The Wookie Battle. In fact, "What wookie battle?" is more like it.

  The abscence of acting direction. This fact, coupled with the horrid dialogue makes for some of the most strained, cringing moments I've ever seen on film.

  Overuse of CGI. To be expected, but still annoying.

  I know it's only a couple of seconds, but the Tarzan yell is stupid.

  Glaring plot-holes. Ani and Padme's "secret" relationship. Padme's impending death. See Todd's review for more input on those, because they really are obvious. And if folks will say they aren't important anyway, then they shouldn't have been written in the first place.

Some Overall Questions/Rumours Answered:

  IS IT AN IMPROVEMENT?: Yes.

Is it darker? - Yes. You even see severed heads roll around. More than once even.

Is Jar Jar in it? - Yes. He appears in 2 scenes and his total line count is: wait for it, ZERO.

What's the Wookie Battle like?: Oh, you're gonna be PISSED about this one. Have you seen the trailer? You know that shot with wookies raising their fists? Yeah, well the ENTIRE "Wookie Battle" is roughly the 6 seconds that follow.. a clip of them running down the beach to face the onslaught, a shot or two of returning fire....and... end of scene. Yup. That's it."Thanks Mr. Mayhew, tell your agent that's all we needed from you."

Is that leaked "burnt Anakin" picture from last year real? Yup.

  George Lucas does remember to include (though it's out of nowhere) a memory wipe of C3PO to seal that potential continuity error.

  Something I wasn't expecting, George Lucas brings up the midichlorians again. Just once.

Things I learnt from Revenge of the Sith:

  Painting more lasers into a picture doesn't necessarily make a better battle scene. (though the battles are nice, make no mistake)

  If both of your feet are off the ground at the same time, you instantly turn digital.

  The sadder you are, the more still you stand.
--That cut next to your eye never heals.

  Spinning a lightsabre = Fighting with a lightsabre.

  While swinging from ropes, Wookies like to bellow the "Tarzan Yell". (I'm not f*cking kidding).

Let's talk about the movie...

WAR! Is the first word on the yellow crawl we've all grown to love...
Let's dive into a world you didn't think could possibly exist: That world is.. The Land with Dialogue Even Cheesier than Episode 2. Yeah, that's right your "smooth and silky" line has been trumped folks. My heart goes out to these fully capable actors that have been handed dialogue so painfully bad. Sudden requests of "Hold me" or "'...I love you -No, I love ~you~'" to rail-stiff declarations of "Oh Ani, you're breaking my heart..." make viewing such scenes about as fun as drinking your grandfather's catheter bag. I hold nothing against these actors who are sincerely talented at what they do, being asked to speak such horrid lines with hardly any acting direction coming from.. say... oh.. the director. I'd fold in half if this stuff was handed to me. Every opening of every "chatty" scene would beckon a nervous "oh, here we go" from the audience and close with a "oh, thank GOD". And hey, I like Natalie Portman, she's extremely talented, but man... I've heard rumour she's fed up with her role in the Star Wars saga and No Bloody Wonder. It's visible she's doing what she can, but it's wildly plain that good ol' George is giving them not a shred of help. I counted at least 8 or nine different occasions where I bit my lip while grabbing anything worth grabbing -my penis included- praying that the dialogue would just freaking stop.

Fortunately, the banter does stop and we are, often, treated with yummy eye candy that we came to see. Notables here are early advancements in the X-wing and TIE fighters, but it all blows by pretty quick in an orgasmic THX sound and light show. ROTS easily contains the most lightsabre action in any film of the entire saga. (Grievous is very well endowed with his four-sabre equipped arms) So some of you will be hitting up a seat just for that. And there's plenty. Mind you, the CGI does get laid on pretty thick, which was to be expected, but doesn't make it anymore acceptable -- making a Wookie entirely CG when all he's doing is just standing there, for example, is simply silly. And like I was saying, the entire set must've been a "no-actor-jumping-zone" - because those feet can't leave the floor without the actor becoming a big cyber-floatie.

As far as characters go, for all you pervie hopefuls, There is no ..ahem.. 'scene'. All Portman-porking happens somewhere between Episode II and III. Too bad so sad. Padme is pregnant, which the long and short of it, is the reason why Anakin "turns" in the first place. Padme will die in childbirth and, as the Chancellor explains, the Dark Side has the power to stop it (some gook about tweaking the midichlorians). This whole factor is all but dropped by the time we get around to it; it is referenced a few times, but not once do we see Anakin using the Dark Side to get what he originally wanted accomplished. This was rather confusing to me, but there you are. You are told Padme is top-priority, but you're shown that she's not. Whatever. More lightsaber's will interrupt eventually and hopefully you'll forget all about all this. This whole ball starts rolling when Anakin's loyalty between the Senate vs. the Chancellor causes "much struggle in you" and eventually leads to severing of Sam Jackson's hand to keep him from killing the Chancellor when they discover that he's actually a Sith Lord. I was hoping for an"English, Mother F*cker, Can you Speak It?!?!", but it never came.

And the story folks, in a stripped down, on-paper form would be good. Errors yes, but a simple synopsis of the film would actually read fairly interesting. We all know how it's going to go, so there's really no point going into it. This sucker is just pieced together in a rather unfortunate symphony.

This movie will not clear up any debates as to what's a "good Star Wars movie". People will hate this movie. People will love it. As far as "Star Wars the Industry Icon" goes, you probably owe it to yourself to see this life-long story that's been with you since you were 3, come to a close. But I think the dues end there. Despite many pitfalls, I will admit that, of course, most of you will get what you came for: The Saga's End. Space Battles. Lightsaber Stew. A solid, glorious "bask-in-the-moment" of the creation of Darth-Vader. (Followed by a really cheesy: "Noooooo!") And a closing that leads us right into Episode 4 where all of this amazing nonsense started almost 30 years ago.

For Every part in RotS that I enjoyed watching, there was an equal number of parts that I could do with never seeing again. So, if you're looking for a numeric stat rating: Id give it straight down the middle 2 out of 4 - or 5 out of 10, etc.

Overall, I'm sad to see that the enormous chapter of Star Wars, as it rests in our culture, has come to a close. There's many memories of Star Wars I'll always have. On the Other Hand However:
I'm glad to see that the Pre-quels are finally over. Revenge of the Sith is certainly the better of the pre-quels, but if you're hoping for a film to justify the first 2, well, let's just say I'm amazed that a director who spends so much time, money, energy and research on making his film state-of-the-art, would spend so little time actually working with the people acting in it. Because it shows. In spades. -d