The Full Trailer For TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Knows It Is Dumb

Ben Umstead, East Coast Editor
Most iterations of our heroes in a half shell have played into the often ridiculous nature of the property. In fact, there was a cute self-awareness to the 80s/90s cartoon well before meta fiction was a part of the pop culture lexicon.

Up to this point, the often vague and lackluster marketing materials for the Michael Bay produced live-action reboot at least seemed to be saying that it was going to be hella serious.  Yes, it appeared to be a film that was going to eschew the zanier side of the material for something more Nolan-esque. Albeit a very bland and generic Nolan-esque something something.

But now you can turn that frown upside down (maybe?), because a full trailer for the film is finally here and that really, really doesn't seem to be the case. Not only do we get our first clear look at the aborted Shrek fetuses in action, we also get a sense of the story: Raph must rescue the other turtles. Plus it seems William Fichtner is not playing Shredder, but a business man who outfits the Foot Clan and their leader with ultra-high-tech weapons.

It's also pretty darn clear that this thing is going to be just plain dumb. And I mean like never before in the history of an already silly franchise. Now the dumb factor may be of no surprise when it comes to Bay productions, but what's really amazing here is that it sure as hell seems like the filmmakers and actors and marketing execs at Paramount are playing straight into this awareness that it is dumb. Like some twisted and comedic big business-backed post-post modern comment on just how mechanical and lifeless these blockbusters have become. I mean every single image seen in this trailer, every line of dialog heard, is so rote, so... on-the-nose... and so unabashedly aware of its generic nature, that it couldn't not be as such. Right? RIGHT? 
Around the Internet:
  • Air Walker

    a year from now when this is out on DVD it's gonna get SO MUCH PLAY at the clubhouse as a guilty pleasure late night "slanted" flick, mmmmm cheesy!!

  • dx_xb

    Strike 1 - April/Megan bleh. Can't we have a heroine with beauty AND depth? Hollywood says nooooooooooooooooooooo
    Strike 2 - Transformer Shredder. Fuck this very much
    Strike 3 - Whoopi Goldberg phones it in

    One redeeming feature, maybe two - Arnett and Fitchner

  • Lu H

    Oddly enough the first turtles movie is still quite enjoyable despite not being lighthearted and self aware, it was when the movies got lighter (Bloody Vanilla ice,) that they dropped in quality.
    I like the fact that you could tell the turtles apart even without their colors. Megan Fox looks completely wrong for April, I love Fichtner.
    Umm... I want to support the turtles but not bay....
    Also, TMNT was just fine of a movie, we never got a sequel to it!

  • nellydesign

    I knew TMNT was just missing something. Rocket powered snow skateboards. Now it's perfect.

  • Air Walker

    cause it's not like they didn't sell stuff like that as part of their toy line right?

  • FeliXinside

    Your article is dumb Ben.
    Movie looks like a fun ride, which is what Michael Bay movies are about.
    If you're going to the cinema expecting Ninja Turtles to win Oscars or have some deeper meaning instead of going just to have a good time, you're doing it wrong.

  • Brian Simpson

    I like big action movies that I can just have fun watching. What I don't like are dumb movies, like almost anything Bay has ever touched. There is a distinct difference between a great summer thrill ride and a heaping pile of dumb. But hey at least I can tell the turtles apart, unlike most of the Transformers.

  • FeliXinside

    So movies like Bad Boys, The Rock, The Island, Armageddon are all dumb movies?

  • billydaking

    Armageddon is an incredibly stupid movie (fire burns in space?) that contradicts itself badly (if the oil rigging crew was horrified that the NASA flight officer brought a firearm up into space, why did they mount a machine gun on the rover they personally stripped down to "necessities"?).

    The Rock was okay, saved mostly by some damn good actors in Connery and Harris and a great scene between Harris and Michael Biehn's normally doomed soldier. But even those who liked ride movies back in the 1990s questioned the scenario, story, and character logic of that one.

    Bad Boys was half-hearted template film-making with supposedly smart people doing stupid and unbelievable things to advance what plot there was.

    Haven't seen The Island, but yeah, those other three are obviously dumb movies. Armageddon in particular is a standard bearer for what is wrong with the ride movie that came into popularity in the mid-1990s.

  • Brian Simpson

    I don't like any of those movies, no. The Rock might be an exception of sorts, but I hated Bad Boys and Armageddon from the start. That's just me though, that's my opinion and I get that. But that's also why I included the *almost* quantifier in my statement. I won't deny that Transformers made all the money and people love the Bad Boys movies. They just seriously, seriously are not my cup of tea. And I like loud action flicks. I love me some explosions and fast pacing, and love to turn my brain off and watch a great flick. I just happen to think that for the most part, Michael Bay's work is really terrible.

  • FeliXinside

    I think in your case it's more of a personal taste thing.
    You might or might not like Bay, but fact is he's one of the best action directors on the market, even though he has missed the plot on Transformers 2 and 3.
    And movies like The Rock, Armaggeddon and even The Island are great action flicks... even if they are just a fun ride.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    "Movie looks like a fun ride."

    Jeebus, would you morons take your ride fetish to a carnival or something so the rest of us can have movies back?

    This phrase has to die so it can be buried next to "turn your brain off."

  • Gary

    There were 158 movies released in the year 2013.

    Only 7 were comic/superhero movies.

    Conclusion: Don't be so dramatic. You had plenty of other movies to choose from last year, 151 to be exact.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    How many of those were stupid?
    Since you're counting.

  • Gary

    Well, that's up to you. But if you couldn't find something to entertain you throughout the year perhaps the problem isn't the studios.

  • Musikonica

    In fact, these movies are supposed to be like amusement parks: A fun and entertaining experience.
    Also, studios are making more now than they ever were. I'm sure they won't 'give you back' any movies. If people didn't like movies for entertainment, then movies like The Avengers would have made a lot less money. Why would they want to make less in order to give you dull, boring films?

  • Brian Simpson

    The Avengers is leagues above any of the Transformer movies. That was a fun thrill ride of a movie. Transformer movies are all disjointed, nauseating pieces of crap.

  • Musikonica

    No argument here.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    You have no idea what you're talking about.

    Theater attendance has been on the decline for decades. A large sum of money that is made by films like THE AVENGERS or TRANSFORMERS results from inflated up-charges and the repeat business of dumb twenty-year-olds.

    Movies and amusement parks are two different things. "Supposed to be" is something you could never possibly logically justify.

  • Musikonica

    That's still more money, right? How many repeat visits would you give for a dull, boring movie?

    I didn't say they are one and the same. And a movie that's not fun and entertaining for you is probably very easy to come by.
    Keep trolling.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    It makes a lot of business sense to cater to one minority.

    Even MacDonald's sells chicken and fish.

    Your attitude that anything that isn't a blockbuster is therefore dull and boring reveals you as someone with the mentality of a 14 year-old.

    Good luck with Senior Year.

  • Musikonica

    Because all I like is blockbusters. You got me, gramps. Stepped right out of context.

    Good luck with your retirement.

    And who doesn't like chicken? I was not aware chicken was for only to cater to a minority.

  • FeliXinside

    Don't bother dude. Read through his posts, he's just a troll.

  • FeliXinside

    Oh, so people are morons because sometimes they just want to switch off and enjoy a fun movie?
    You must be a ball to be with at amusement parks because all that is just fun and mindless...

  • billydaking

    There are amusement parks at cinemas?

    To be perfectly blunt, a fun movie is one that tells a story well, not how many pretty pictures it hangs on a vague framework on one. It doesn't have to be Shakespeare, but it does have to care about itself enough. I watched The Crow again a few days ago, and it struck me how strong and emotional that purely entertaining movie was compared to several of the market-driven blockbusters we get fed today like The Transformers or Snow White and the Huntsman.

    Mind you, I was entertained by Lone Ranger and John Carter of Mars. But the idea that "fun" movies are completely mindless and brainless is asinine. Fun movies engage their audiences, thus entertaining them. Movies that simply wash over you with eye candy that doesn't make much sense aren't fun. They're just expensive time-wasters.

  • tman418

    Haters gonna hate Felix.

    I'm gonna see this in IMAX 3D!

  • FeliXinside

    I wish I could see it in IMAX but I have to travel 2 hours to get to the closest IMAX Theatre.
    I will be seeing it in the best cinema in my city though. Love the Turtles.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Well, that's A reason some people are morons.

    I'm sure there are a lot of other additional reasons in your case.

  • FeliXinside

    Oh, so you're just trolling. I'll ignore you then from now on.

  • noodels2

    Woopie ! What a disaster ! I hope it fails , but people will probaly eat this shit up.

  • Brian Sleider

    Yep, normal people who enjoy fun movies will Have a blast, you internet haters can continue to froth at the mouth over it though.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    You're so sure you're normal?

    Like, average and under, right? that's what you're aiming for?

  • Brian Sleider

    I am not aiming for anything. I am saying that the masses will enjoy this movie, as they should because it will be fun. Just like the masses enjoyed Iron Man 3 and the Transformers movies. Only Raving internet dwellers get butt hurt over these things and those people are not even close to a large demographic.

  • Mehaillien Thundercross

    The only hope I have is that Bay is hiding the fact that there are other mutants in this movie. I'm still holding out that he is going for (dumb) broke with this film.

  • benu

    Just embracing that to absurd levels would be an absolute delight, wouldn't it? Because the turtles are, after all, absurd.

    Mutanimals make an appearance, and then... a spin-off.

  • Lu H

    Then they can all get gunned down at the end and we go back to the turtles

  • Darryll

    While everything in the article is most likely true, the truly sad part is that, as a direct result of the "generic, on the nose stupidity," this will be a massive hit.

  • JayMars84

    Wait, did you really think a Nickelodeon movie starring Megan Fox about turtles who are ninjas would try to take itself seriously?

  • benu

    Not at all. I make note of the franchise being inherently silly several times in the piece. It's just that Paramount had been marketing the film up to this point as a serious affair. Make sure you read all the words in the sentence and not just the ones you want to hear so you can make your comment.

  • Monsiuer Hulot

    I'm not trying to disagree, just to disagree, but.......I haven't seen a single teaser that came across as completely serious. Also, I get that it's the thing to do to trash this film....mainly because it's Bay backed, and he makes shit 99.5% of the time.....but......has anyone watched the original Turtles film lately.....seriously sat down to watch it. I grew up with the cartoon/films/toys, and I love the first film for nostalgic reasons, but......hands down.....it is one, of many, of the stupidest films ever produced. ALL of the dialog is complete shit....like Garbage Pail Kids bad, which for me takes the cake for shit flicks. Nothing in this trailer.....even though it's produced by Bay......comes even close to the stupidity level of the first film....or probably the 2nd or 3rd, either. It's just a new film about a 20-30 year old property that 30-40 year old nerds are going to bitch about no matter what. It looks fun, and no dumber than any other big Hollywood action film that has come out in the last 10 years....which isn't saying a whole lot......really they're all abysmal.

  • Brian Simpson

    Yeah, that first trailer made it look seriously grim. Yeah they cracked a couple jokes, but they made it look otherwise really intense and dark and gritty.

  • Andrew Mack

    'On the nose'. Good one, Ben!!!

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