Weinberg's List: The 50 "Best" Teen Sex Comedies of the 1980s
Below you'll find the dregs: #50 to #26. Part 2 (coming soon!) will have the better flicks. "Better" being a relative term here. Enjoy!
Countdown: 50 - 41
50. Spring Fever (1982): Boob Quotient: bikini out of 5 // Tone: cornball // Humor: tepid // Tidbits: Advertised as a teen sex comedy, but it's actually about a girl who likes tennis! She's Susan Anton! And it's PG! What the fuck? Is that Jessica Walter? Also, the screenwriter went on to direct WarGames 2 and The Cutting Edge 3.
49. Hot T-Shirts (1980): Boob Quotient: lots out of 5 // Tone: leering // Humor: jiggly // Tidbits: A bar puts on a wet t-shirt show to avoid bankruptcy. This early classic by Chuck Vincent (Warrior Queen) never does explain how the t-shirts remain so hot after being doused with so much water.
48. Gimme an 'F' (1984): Boob Quotient: I honestly don't remember. // Tone: broughten // Humor: nah // Tidbits: Cheerleaders do ... stuff. A colorfully inauspicious debut for screenwriter James V. Hart, who took some time off and then came back with Hook, Bram Stoker's Dracula, and Contact -- thereby proving that working with topless cheerleaders will pay off in the long run.
47. Getting It On (1983): Boob Quotient: oddly weak // Tone: smarmy but sappy // Humor: creepy // Tidbits: It's about two horny idiots who set out to plant video cameras in the bedrooms of hot girls. That's supposed to be funny. And then it gets all romantic. Ugh.
46. Hot Resort (1985): Boob Quotient: ample // Tone: predictable // Humor: flat // Tidbits: another "horny morons at a resort" dung-heap, only this time with Frank Gorshin (!) and the young, allegedly sexy, hetero version of Bronson Pinchot.
45. The Beach Girls (1982): Boob Quotient: frequent // Tone: old-fashioned // Humor: stoned // Tidbits: Three cuties find some weed and sell it for fun. Meh. Screenwriter Patrick Sheane Duncan would eventually go on to Nick of Time, Mr. Holland's Opus, and Courage Under Fire, none of which focus on topless girls who sell weed for fun.
44. Hunk (1987): Boob Quotient: Not bad for a PG flick. // Tone: dumb // Humor: dumber // Tidbits: James Coco, as the Devil, turns a nerd into a studly womanizer. Robert Morse also wanders around. Also, Brad Pitt apparently shows up as "man at the beach."
43. Preppies (1984): Boob Quotient: generous // Tone: topical // Humor: dated // Tidbits: Chuck Vincent strikes again! This time some hotties are hired to prevent some idiot kid from passing his classes and earning an inheritance. Or something. (Yes, we used words like "preppies" in the 1980s.)
42. Jocks (1986): Boob Quotient: just a handful // Tone: desperate // Humor: absent // Tidbits: Director Steve Carver is better known for a few cool Chuck Norris flicks, as well as the original Big Bad Mama. The flick itself is a stupidly raunchy tennis tale, but the cast is packed with colorful folks like Christopher Lee, Richard Roundtree, R.G. Armstrong, Tom Shadyac(!), and a wildly sexy Mariska Hargitay. Oh, the movie is truly terrible, as if you needed reassurance on that.
41. Hardbodies (1984) & Hardbodies 2 (1986): Boob Quotient: mercenary // Tone: noxious // Humor: vile // Tidbits: A bunch of old horn-dogs "hire" some young studs to help them score with the hotties. These are some truly unsavory "comedies." Director Mark Griffiths is now helming Lifetime Channel films with Shannen Doherty.
Countdown: 40 - 31
40. Screwballs (1983) & Loose Screws (1985): Boob Quotient: Canadian // Tone: sweaty // Humor: ostensible // Tidbits: Arguably the most blatant of the Porky's knock-offs ... and from fellow Canadians, no less. Taken together, these two might legally qualify as a cinematic lobotomy.
39. Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986): Boob Quotient: meaty // Tone: fattening // Humor: sourdough // Tidbits: Director Mike Marvin delivered this classic and The Wraith in the same year, thereby cementing himself into the hearts of bad movie lovers the world over. '80s "comedy" stalwart Leigh McCloskey plays a raucous student at Busterburger U., where you'll find people like Dick Butkus, a young Jon Lovitz, and bouncy '80s babe Debra Blee. If you miss most of the film, you won't need to ketchup.
38. School Spirit (1985): Boob Quotient: supernatural // Tone: hollow // Humor: transparent // Tidbits: Get this: a horny dolt gets killed while hunting for a condom, but then comes back as a ghost who then hangs around looking at naked girls in the shower. I actually saw this film during its theatrical run, so I can attest to its existence.
37. The Allnighter (1987): Boob Quotient: PG-13 nakedness galore // Tone: lazy // Humor: ha // Tidbits: Susanna Hoffs, the head Bangle, stars in a clunky sex comedy directed by her mother. I included this one before realizing the characters were actually college graduates. My apologies. On the other hand, this flick does feature Dedee Pfeiffer, Joan Cusack, and Pam Grier!
36. Where the Boys Are (1984): Boob Quotient: forgettable // Tone: stolen // Humor: soap operatic // Tidbits: Four women go to Fort Lauderdale for a variety of pheromone-related reasons. Not only a remake of a 1960 film, but the first flick ever distributed by Tristar. So there's some trivia for you.
35. Vamp (1986): Boob Quotient: anemic // Tone: wacky // Humor: not half bad, actually // Tidbits: Grace Jones, Chris Makepeace, Gedde Watanabe, and Billy Drago star in a tale of horny fraternity pledges who go looking for a stripper and discover a goofy vampire gang.
34. Tomboy (1985): Boob Quotient: not tomboyish at all // Tone: aw shucks // Humor: not much // Tidbits: If you're a younger Saw fan who wonders why us older Saw fans got all excited when Betsy Russell joined the series ... go check out Tomboy. Or at least scan through to the shower scenes. Then check out Avenging Angel and Out of Control. Betsy's just that cute.
33. Fraternity Vacation (1985): Boob Quotient: pretty frequent // Tone: typical // Humor: lots of famillar faces // Tidbits: The director of The Muppet Movie brings us the tale of a nerd (Stephen Geoffreys of Fright Night) who teams up with two studs (Matt McCoy and Tim Robbins!) to get laid. Also on board: Amanda Bearse, John Vernon, and Barbara Crampton. Oh, and Britt Ekland. Yeah, weird.
32. Johnny Be Good (1988): Boob Quotient: depends on the version // Tone: smug // Humor: nope // Tidbits: Anthony Michael Hall is a football phenom who gets wooed by all the big colleges, and "woo" includes unfettered boobies -- provided you're watching the R-rated (video) version and not the PG-13 version, which ripped me off during its theatrical run. Then again, it's sort of funny to consider a film in which both Uma Thurman and Robert Downey Jr. play second fiddle to Anthony Michael Hall. Bonus points for appearances by Jennifer Tilly, Seymour Cassel, Paul Gleason, and (ha) Howard Cosell.
31. Homework (1982): Boob Quotient: meager // Tone: icky // Humor: flat // Tidbits: Joan Collins (!) aims to seduce a high school boy. Back in 1982, this sort of thing was encouraged. Nowadays that'd get her arrested. It's a rather inert affair, if memory serves, although Wings Hauser does show up at one point.
Countdown: 30 - 26
30. The Party Animal (1985): Boob Quotient: heavy // Tone: weird // Humor: kinda funny // Tidbits: A dork called Pondo magically becomes a "party animal" and is suddenly surrounded by generally bare-breasted females. I haven't seen this odd little obscurity since it hit video in '86 -- but I do remember laughing!
29. The Joy of Sex (1984): Boob Quotient: light // Tone: dopey // Humor: sparse // Tidbits: Ostensibly based on the wildly popular self-help book, but basically a light sex farce mixed with a limp episode of Three's Company, this one features a veritable who's who of '80s faces -- but very little else. Director Martha Coolidge slammed this one out between Valley Girl and Real Genius. Also Ernie Hudson and Christopher Lloyd are in there somewhere.
28. Spring Break (1983): Boob Quotient: I totally forget. // Tone: horny // Humor: horny // Tidbits: A relatively "big budget" teen sex romp from Columbia Pictures that only Perry King has survived. Director Sean Cunningham, of the original Friday the 13th, wisely stayed away from comedy after this one. Oh, it's about four horny guys in Fort Lauderdale. Shocking, right?
27. My Chauffeur (1986): Boob Quotient: low // Tone: kinda cute // Humor: half-decent // Tidbits: The adorable Deborah Foreman (Valley Girl) shakes up a limo service full of clients both stuffy and horny. Howard Hesseman and Penn & Teller also show up, and those people are always welcome. Also the love interest is Flash Gordon himself: Sam J. Jones, this time speaking with his very own voice.
26. Hot Dog: The Movie (1984): Boob Quotient: attentive // Tone:chill // Humor: icy // Tidbits: Dr. Pepper (David Naughton) and busty Playboy babe Shannon Tweed wander around a ski resort, interrupted only by naked knockers and some incongruously impressive footage of professional skiers. Noteworthy for kick-starting the "horny skiers" sub-sub-genre that was later revisited in Ski School, Ski Patrol, and Ski Retards.
Part II soon!